Why--Why is it that every time i hang up the phone with Joey that i feel like crying? Not the fact he hung up rather, but the fact of all though the phone calls--every night--every one of them--he ends up ignoring me--practicly forgetting about the phone by his ear and googles at that god forsaken TV of his! Its not that i mind THAT so much---its the fact that if he wanted to watch tv, then whats the point of even calling me in the first place? Half of the times i say how much i love him, he ends up responding with a "Huh? What'd you say?"

It hurts, it really does... i make sure to embed in his mind of how much i would do for him--for his dreams--and most of all, for his crew--the winged foxes, and yet he seems to cast me asside like.... trash... even after perposly showing him the letter/conversation i had between myself and Koon just to see if he would notis how much I would do... but it was over looked, as usual.

Here is what i posted to Koon that should have gotten his attention: (subject: what happened in the ugmf back then, and how i feel about it)

But you know what? Im glad it happened... becouse if it wasnt for them screwing up so bad, and kicking me from the guild... I wouldn't have really met Lepper36. I wouldn't have experienced what true family or love is without him or the other pirates... wasnt for the ugmf, Joey/Lepper36 wouldn't have asked me to marry him outside of gaia. As much as i used to hate the ugmf, it is why i forgave them so easily... for them leaving me behind has left me being found by one of the greatest people that I have ever known. Thensome, the greatest friends that anyone could ever gain... ones that i know i can trust that wont leave me behind like what the ugmf did, or sell me out... and they can trust me that i wouldn't do the same to them. So you see... koon... we fight togeather, and we stand by eachother, no matter what happens... that alone is why i forgive them. They granted me the chance to get something that no one could ever give me. Though, i dont know if you will fully understand it or not... i half dont expect you to... but, at least understand that were not doing anything for selfish needs in this war.

Isnt that proof enough? That i love the winged foxes? That i love Joey?


No... no its not.... no matter how hard i seem to try, it just dosnt work out... im always ignored, im always pushed asside... and somehow, I always find it in myself to forgive joey time and time again when he hurts me.


Sometimes all i want to do is just get off the computer, curl up in a corner, and just cry.... i hate my job at the winged foxes, being First Mate... im taken advantage of, everythings always on my sholders cos he cant do anything himself... i revived the guild... i built it from almost nothing.... I put everything i had into there... and thensome when Joey perposly set me up to become the guild captain several times--only to take it away as quickly as I was granted it? Then he has the nerve to ignore me after the shit i'v gone though for him and his "guild"?


I lied when i said i 'never read those past enteries anymore' to him... the YIM conversations of him questioning me. Saying how i backstabed him, how i wasnt trustworthy anymore, saying how much he counted on me only to have the guild 'taken out from under him'.... god it makes me sick... sick to remember that I was stupid enough to beleave that it was fine to take command at any given point for just a few moments... sick enough to make me want to puke all day in the bathroom and drown out my sarrows with pepsi, beleaving in my mind that the soda was spiked with poison just so... deep down... i'd be thinking to myself that "it will end soon, the pain will end soon." and i end up passing out on the floor from major loads of stress.


Im cracking... and I can feel it...